More dreams of you. What does it all mean?

I've decided on NYU. Thanks to those who wrote me their opinion on the matter... :) NYU is the practical choice. And hey, if I don't like it, I can always transfer. I just really want to experience that big-city life. Hopefully it won't overload me.

Had a good weekend. Friday I saw an Audrey Tautou movie as part of our city's international film festival. Saturday cooked for Arney (lost a bet!), baked a cake, helped my sister prepare for Spring Fling, went to the film festival (eek!), and chilled with friends at my house. X-Men is pretty dang good. Arney said I would be like Jubilee. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I think it's bad.

Pepfest today. Two hours long--yes!

I keep dreaming of him, but I know it wasn't meant to be. So why am I? Maybe I need closure.

It's down to NYU or Vassar. Opinions? Anyone?

Oh must tell about last night I suppose.

After school, Arn and I tried to play tennis, though it was much too windy. So we ended up eating mango sorbet, drooling at dessert cookbooks, and watching King of the Hill. He left.

Then I watched Jeopardy on the phone with Brian (oof, last night's were hard!) and ate dinner. After, went to the mall! Got the cutest red purse and sparkly shoes, for which I must find the right outfit to show them off.

Does anyone else out there wake up feeling awful?

Every morning I am wakened by the alarm clock at 5:47. I usually, however, wake up much earlier than that (don't ask me why). In those minutes that I have before the alarm, I wonder about the futility of my life.

In the minutes before and after my shower, though, everything rightens itself.

Someone tell me I'm normal.

Bah. Back to where I began.

It's so comforting just to be. With him. But then I see myself falling back into the old ways and I don't want to.

Now is a time of change. I get the feeling it's going to be quite lonely for a bit.

We were talking Friday, reminiscing about the middle school years, and remembering all the tiffs between various friends. There was one friend that at least three had been mad at and I could tell the two I was with didn't like her all that much either. But I do. At least she doesn't make me feel left out, even if sometimes she seems manipulative.

I just don't want to be kept in an ignorant bliss. I used to write so much about how ignorance is bliss, and it is, but right now, I would rather the hurtful truth, because then things are out in the open. Secrets don't make friends. Really, they don't. Especially when you find out about them before they choose to tell you.

I know this doesn't make much sense.

New collection up at foto-graphie! Pictures from L.A. Hopefully you'll like them.

Things are better, much. Jeff and Arn are coming over tonight for Harry Potter II which Jeff has not seen yet (ah, the false promises of some people! ;))

I'm going to go cook meself some salmon and gourmet it up.

All right, I think it's about time for a cheerful post, don't you? Even if the weather outside has dropped from 80 to 32, I have a physics test and a psych final proposal to do, and I am still messing about with the idea of my bf, there are positive things!

Jeff finally asked Mel to prom yesterday! Arney and I went to buy the flowers and they were gorgeous: snapdragons, gerber daisy, and some sort of lily, all pink! So how it happened was we got Mel in a separate room than Jeff for Model UN at Willow Creek and then when Mel's room was on a break, had her go over to Jeff's room, where North Korea motioned "for our chair to ask that girl to prom." So Jeff steps out with the flowers and Melanie is giggling and says, "Okay," and they hug. And Jeff initiated that hug too! Yay! I knew they would end up together.

What else is positive............ I'm playing golf today with Laura I think, except I forgot to bring my money, eh. But I'll tag along anyway. We'll see how that goes.. I don't usually hang out much with the golf girls, so it should be interesting.

Tomorrow I get to see What a Girl Wants! Which as everyone must know, stars Colin Firth, one of my favorite actors.

So there you go, being optimistic isn't SO hard.

Well, it's done.

I feel like the bottom of my world has dropped out.

But I can't continue along this vein, or I'll cry.

Ops, still don't know what to do (collegeorboy).

Am hoping for big flash of light, or dawning comprehension as in books.

Don't think it'll happen.

Okay, so what have I been up to the past three days?

Thurs night: I watched Friends. Then I went to the library with Brian, where we met up with Ali who still wants to go out with Molly.

Fri night: Ate at Los Margaritas for three hours with Jeff, Mels, and Arney. Then went to Brian's bonfire, where everyone left pretty early due to many reasons. My reason was I was damn tired. Except I ended up sitting in Jeff's car in my driveway talking for two hours about prom and my problems.

Sat: Played tennis with Mels, Lauren, and Arney (who finally asked Lauren to prom). Haha, Melanie is a funny tennis player... then she, Arn, and Brian came over and we watched My Best Friend's Wedding and SATC.

Hehe, I do tend to hang out with the same people a lot, eh?

I'm so tired of all this thinking. This has been one of the worst weeks of my life and I still am rather undecided. Actually, I am leaning towards one and it's so exhausting to think of the consequences. The weather is beautiful though. One pro.

I really don't know about anything anymore.

I think I've pretty much destroyed one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I just can't help picking at scabs. Hrm, gross example, but it works. Scab=good thing. Me picking off=bad thing. Why do I suck at this relationship stuff?

And I don't know if I'm moody because of that, or because I stil have a shitload of hw to do, or because it's that time of the month again.

It might be a combination.

The sun is out. Lots of work still to do. Agh. Eff it all.

I want to lay out on the grass and smell the sun.

Wow, I just can't seem to stop this bloggin once I get started!

Mainly because I am feeling un-lovely right now. I don't know if this is due to my monthly moodiness or because of my general life.

My mum is being snippish.

I have tons of work to catch up on.

It's cold and snowy outside.

He randomly out of the blue pre-empted the ending of the summer.

This on my birthday. Supposedly special. I want to crawl in my bed and have a nightmare so when I wake up real life will seem so much better.

Singing "Rock Your Body" in my head. I don't care what other people say, he's pretty damn talented for a guy his age. Not to mention cute. Feel-good music.

Sitting in the journalism lab wondering what I'm doing here. Arney and I were going to skip 5th and eat but then we thought that today was mandatory. Turns out Lunde didn't even show up, that he was called away to an 'emergency.' Wonderful. Could be watching T.V. at Arnono's house but no, am stuck here in lab. Wishing I were home, cuddled in my bed with a special someone to protect ourselves from the blizzard outside.

Reading Rahat's latest entry brought a memory to surface (I like to think of my brain as murky depth-ed pool with information floating near top or sunk to the bottom from disuse). I remember in 3rd grade, before I transferred schools, there was a Korean boy who had a crush on me. He and his friend would always do the beating heart illusion, you know, the one where you stick your arms under your shirt and fake a big beating heart like in the Big Bad Wolf cartoons. And he gave me a pencil from Korea. It was and is a pastel yellow with delicate drawings of a girl. I still keep it in my cupboard full of younger days.

Memories can make you so melancholy.

Back from L.A. to see snow. Damn it. Almost makes me want USC just because of the sun. Lovely lovely sun.

You know what I really hate? Waking up in the morning feeling like the world sucks ass. After my shower, I feel like any normal human being and right now, I could even say I'm happy (singing Coldplay's "Scientist" in my head, remembering my dream from last night, and reading up on all my friends).

Tell more later.

All righty, think have found perfect spa. Will tell all when I get back.

Shaved legs to ready self for California, land of the beautiful (and shallow, some may say).

I don't understand myself. I still am on hyper-senses whenever he's around, but I don't want to be with him.