So I'm home.

It isn't what I had expected. People are being childish, and I don't know if it's me who's stuck in reverse, or them.

It has been nice seeing people again though.. everyone pretty much looks the same. The city itself, however, has changed drastically since I last came. Or perhaps not drastically, but the changes are big enough to elicit a "What?!" everytime. Ah my little Roch... don't hurry so to grow up.

Happy birthday Coco darling! You will be getting your gift.. even if it's a little late... :-D

People can be so delusional. I'm talking about Deborah* who persists in loving and is living now with a man who will never love her the way she wants to be loved. I'm talking about Helga* who is so firmly convinced her and her schmoopsie poo share a transcendent sort of love that she looks down on anyone else who doesn't. Really, stop putting on your airs so--you're in college for crying out loud...you think you're such hot shit because you feel like you know true love?

Hmm.. now that was me being childish, but damn, it felt good.

Merry Christmas!

I don't think I've ever truly been in love.

Certainly, I've loved, but I've never had an epiphany where I realized, ah yes, this is what the songs and movies and books mean, this is what love is. This overwhelming, head over heels, breathless feeling.. and I don't even know if those words are truly what love is, but that other people use them to describe what they feel.

I rush far too quickly into things, create an immediate intimacy because I want it at the time. Instant gratification. But just like anything else which is instantly gratifying... that last fry you've been eyeing for an hour, the mean retort which you can't help but let fly out your lips... regret is sure to follow.

I suppose I need to learn to slow down, but hey, I want what I want when I want it. It's too bad I'm not a guy.

I love Bollywood films--their vivid colors, their unrealistic plots and dances, their beautiful songs. Even their ridiculous lengths of three or so hours. Love 'em. I'm watching one film right now, Khabhi Khushi Khabhi Ghum (spelling atrocious, I'm sure) and I've actually seen one of the actresses in real life: Kareena Kapoor. I've got pictures, too. Just haven't had a chance to put them up yet, except the one that may or may not be up in the left hand corner right now. She was filming in Paris when I was there, and we actually saw her and her film crew twice, on two separate days and locations. Completely crazy, and wondrous, with Indian people gravitating to form a crowd around her each time.

In other news, I had lunch with Chris. It was good seeing him again. His hair was shorter, but not much else had changed about him. We caught up and have agreed not to let such a long time go without talking again.

Saw a free screening of In Good Company yesterday. I actually liked it. It's directed by the same guy who did About a Boy. It was cool cause some of it was filmed at NYU, at our very own Hayden Hall and Coles Sports Center. Wish I'd been able to see them filming, but last year I wasn't near either of those locations very much. Scarlett Johansson was gorgeous, as always. Was sitting in the theatre before the movie started and the older woman next to me said, "You have such beautiful black hair. And so does your friend, or sister, or whatever next to you."

Suzanne was next to me, and as she is Ecuadorian-Indian, I didn't really see how she could've been my sister, but I suppose the lights were dim. But we thanked her profusely nonetheless. It's nice when you get random compliments like that. People in New York can be nice in their own way.

Ugh, I met the meanest old woman ever at the Nutcracker, which I went to go see Monday night. See, we had fourth ring seats, very high up. And while the view is good, we always sneak into better seats after intermission. So we scoped the place out before the ballet started and saw there were lots of empty seats on the sides of the first ring. So naturally, we headed for them during intermission. But even as we walked in and attempted to look over the balcony, we were stopped by an, "Excuse me, do you have a ticket?" in a screechity scratchity voice.

We turned to see an older woman, hair dyed caramel, back hunched with age, skinny as bones, glaring at us. Suzanne shook her head. I attempted to say that we were merely there to look at the view, but she was having none of it. She kept saying, "You didn't pay 95 dollars for a ticket, you shouldn't be here and you can't even look at the view." Boy, was I pissed at her rudeness. She didn't need to cause a scene!

In any case, we got seats in the third ring, near the balcony, which allowed us a closer view. I love the second half of the Nutcracker.. all the costumes and familiar, beautiful music really get to me.

If any of you ever read Gawker you should really check out Fiddle Stalker--it's a hilarious spoof on Gawker Stalker.

So, basically, my life is going really well right now. Have had to say one good bye already though, and that one was hard. Today's will be even harder, as I'm not going to be seeing Cynthia for another few months! I know she'll have fun in Madrid though.

Also: have made up with one of my good friends, with whom I'd been having a bit of a tiff. Mostly my fault, of course, but now it's all sorted out and I'm hoping things will be back to normal as soon as possible, as Mikey is a dear sweet boy.

The sun is shining out, the air is parching, I only have one more (not worrisome) final, my friends here have been lovely, and I've been having delightful frissons.

I mainly just want to make a lot of noises to express how I'm feeling right now.

Blop. MEEep. Gloperschnockel. !

There we go.

I saw the sun rise this morning. It was lovely.

Hahahaha.. just had to share.

I was searching on drugstore.com for Dr. Scholl's heel insert things cause high heels are a killer and lalala, I'm shopping, I'm shopping, I find the heel insert thing, click on it, and under "Customers who shopped for this product also shopped for:" there are three items.

All of which are pregnancy tests.

You can see it yourself here.

Hahaha, so does it follow that women who wear high heels worry more about being pregnant cause they're so damn sexy?

What's happening in my life:

I am, at length, DONE WITH AMERICAN LITERATURE II.

I celebrated by shopping.

I had a breakthrough in makeup. Hm. This sounds odd, but really isn't.

I don't want Minnesota weather. It was partly sunny today, and chilly-comfortable.

I love the color red.

(I forgot to mention that I saw The Life Aquatic last Friday and it was overtly quirky.)

I have an exciting week ahead.

I realized I'm careful for a reason.

I figured out why I've been happy this past week. The diagnosis is not good. I think I need to go with the flow, and not think so much.

Saw Ocean's 12 with coworkers... didn't think it was as good as the first one.

Went to eat at Korean restaurant with some of Florence gals. Was awkward, as was late and sat next to snotty girl. Food was good, though.

Grocery shopped and carted a whole crapload of soymilk and orange juice back as those are the things I run through fastest.

Studied a little for my exam of death tomorrow morning at 9:30 am. Once that is over I will seriously not do any work for two years. Or maybe I mean two days. You decide.

Friday night met Francois, Maliha's coworker who is apparently sketchy. Was nice though, vegetarian. I meet so many veggie boys here, it's crazy.

Bed now.

So apparently Steve thinks I have emotional issues based off entries on my blog.

Thanks Steve.

Honestly, though, this has been a great week for me, and I can't even explain why. I even have a crazy ass finals week coming up and I feel strangely calm about it. I have gotten in contact with Chris though, which is nice, as I haven't talked to that boy since the summer. And I have gotten closer to some of my suitemates, relating over silly things. And I do have the weekend ahead of me for sleeping. And I do have an exciting work outing to see Ocean's Twelve (only the slightest hint of sarcasm there) and dinner with my Florence girls on Saturday.

So all in all, life is good. Seriously.

2 weeks, 2 days until I am home.

I can picture my bedroom, smelling the way it smells of sunshine and home. I can feel the steering wheel of my car under my hands, and the road bumping along underneath. I can see me laughing with my friends. I can just feel.. feel all those feelings I had back way back when.

Now I only have 4 exams to get through, and I'm there...

I hate that the only way you're supposed to deal after you've been hurt is not to show pain, because then the other person will know how much they've hurt you, and get some sort of power-trip off it.

Everything is about power, even if other people don't see it. It's about the balance of power in relationships. It's about who wields the most power at work to determine who gets screwed over the least.

Maybe people should just be able to express what they're feeling honestly.

Hah, like that day'll ever come.

She wants him again. So badly.

People always want what they can't have, right?

She told me about how she offered him the path of least resistance, and even then, he refused. With that, he was able to hurt her twice over.

How is she not enough?