17 October 2005
I hate the constant analyzing that comes with emotional distress.
It tears at you, gnaws at you, thickens your throat, until you can't see anything behind you or in front of you.
All you know is your irrationality, and it worsens the pain.
Back from New York.
Beautiful trip, wrenching departure. Seeing everyone... I've missed you all unbelievably. Yes, especially you, Andres.
8 more weeks here. Sometimes it feels an eternity, others, a fleeting moment.
I'm so tired of thinking like this and having people be nice and with me holding it back. I miss you, my darling. I hurt when I heard about you. I'll always be here for you. I need to see you but it has to wait and I can't. I miss having you near me, and going gallivanting and frolicking. I want you.
I want to be honest and real and stop holding back because I'm afraid. Someday I'm afraid that fear will turn into intense regret and I won't know what to do with myself. It's so easy, though, to say you'll do it, but when you're faced with all the consequences. But risks are necessary in life, or what's the point?
I hate being like this, and seeing you, and seeing how you're not like me.
It tears at you, gnaws at you, thickens your throat, until you can't see anything behind you or in front of you.
All you know is your irrationality, and it worsens the pain.
Back from New York.
Beautiful trip, wrenching departure. Seeing everyone... I've missed you all unbelievably. Yes, especially you, Andres.
8 more weeks here. Sometimes it feels an eternity, others, a fleeting moment.
I'm so tired of thinking like this and having people be nice and with me holding it back. I miss you, my darling. I hurt when I heard about you. I'll always be here for you. I need to see you but it has to wait and I can't. I miss having you near me, and going gallivanting and frolicking. I want you.
I want to be honest and real and stop holding back because I'm afraid. Someday I'm afraid that fear will turn into intense regret and I won't know what to do with myself. It's so easy, though, to say you'll do it, but when you're faced with all the consequences. But risks are necessary in life, or what's the point?
I hate being like this, and seeing you, and seeing how you're not like me.